August 2006
In the second installment of Rant Rhapsody, the audience was treated to the edifying and amusing musings of Williams Cole, Heather Rogers, Jason Flores-Williams, Matty Vaz, and Antonio. Here is what they read. Out Loud.
WILLIAMS COLE:
Straight Pipes on the American Psyche
By Williams Cole
MEMO
From: Howard Dean, DNC Chairman
To: Very Important People Who Are Democrats (VIPWADs)
RE: The Biker Vote
Dear fellow VIPWADs-- Now that we can no longer depend on minorities, gays, union members or even hippies and college professors to vote for us, I feel it would behoove us to understand those biker folks who keep the “rubber side down” all over our great nation.
Now you might ask what I mean when I say Bikers. You might have a vision in your mind of the Brando you swooned over as a teenager in The Wild Bunch, or for some of you younger folks of my generation, Peter Fonda in Easy Rider. Yes, biker gangs, outlaws and characters who made you feel sexy and one with the road. No rules! But did you know that these days there are doctors, lawyers, accountants and even politicians that buy big gleaming Harleys, don headbands and chaps and attend events all over our great and free nation?
It’s more than a voting block, it’s a mentality and, I hate to say it but the grizzled tough guy image of the biker is the very epitome of what we are lacking especially as the right wing makes fun of us as brie eating, white wine drinking New York Times readers. (And, yes, before you ask, you can be a tough guy who likes French cheese, refreshing wines and international news stories). But the Biker could be our savior. They are a center right group of upper middle classers that is ripe for us.
I mean, we have plenty of tough guys in our ranks. Was it really the best we could do with a Hog when Sad John Kerry rode a borrowed Harley on to the Jay Leno show during the last election season? The last thing we need is another Dukakis-tank moment and I think that was close. (By the way, Long Face insulted me on that appearance – good going buddy, you did a great job and I hope I never see you again).
Well fellow VIPWADs, in order to try and figure out this important voting group, some of us went undercover trip in August to America’s largest biker rally in Sturgis, South Dakota. The Team included me, House Leader Nancy Pelosi and any DNC staffers or Interns that had beard growth and/or were willing to flash their breasts.
The Team had our bikes transported to Rapid City, South Dakota where I got a refresher course on riding the Harley (I did used to ride back in my East Hampton, Long Island youth, in fact with a gang even, “the Basstards” and we spelled it with an extra “s” like the fish). We made sure not to let many others see us unloading the bikes. This, as it turns out, is looked upon as rather lame - “Trailering your bike is a disease” we heard at one point. Therefore we all went behind the hotel to gear up. The look is very important and so some of the interns had gone on ebay to find Sturgis rally t-shirts from years past. We also put on the requisite jeans and over them leather chaps, made to look authentic by a clever intern with an electric grinder (by the way, for those of you that live in San Francisco and New York, chaps are actually worn by people that at least are not open about being gay). I also put on a confederate flag bandana. I know I got into trouble back in ’04 for suggesting that we should be reaching out to “white folks in the South who drive pickup trucks with Confederate flag decals on the back” but who was right, ay? If we can get some of these bikers with their Dixie flags (and even Confederate flag cell phones – really, I saw a few and they were kind of cool) then we’ll be on our way.
Of course, to be part of this culture we had to, let’s say, temporarily renegotiate our democratically progressive relation between the sexes. In other words, in biker parlance, Nancy Pelosi had to “ride bitch” on the back of my bike and I had to insist that she bring along hot pants to wear under her chaps as well as a zippered top. I’m sorry Hillary, I’m sorry NOW, I’m so sorry but if it makes you feel better I did have a number of ladies ask to see my testicles.
The ride up there was a bit shaky but we made it. Turns out Sturgis town is now really a bunch of vendors selling everything from boots to hats and everything in between with the word Sturgis on it. You could taste the free enterprise and that’s the way bikers – and the Democratic Party - likes it. But just as in our party (or at least with me when it came to the Iraq War) there are dissenters. In an adjacent town to Sturgis a big Texan named the Desman had his custom bike mobile shop set up. He said that while he was all about the free market in Sturgis they were a bunch of thieves and carneys who were ripping off the vendor and the bikers as well. The Desman had some serious choppers but one caught my attention and my envy. Yes, folks, it was just as I had feared: there was a Bush bike. This guy loved the GOP so much that he built a custom Chopper (“a chopper because it’s about being in your face” he said) with the RNC logo built into the engine and a seat made out of elephant hide. On the gas tank was imprinted the first lines of the Declaration of Independence and under that were the signatures of GW Bush, his wife, Arnold and a host of others. He said that he had worked to put the cool into the GOP. I felt we bonded and I asked if I could sit on the Bush Bike. Unfortunately, a hailstorm began then – it’s common in South Dakota. “Sorry buddy, it’s God’s country,” The Desman said.
Well, God’s Country it may be but during this week this subset of the Heartland not only drinks a lot of beer but wants to see and exhibit nudity. Actually, with some reflection, one could make the judgment that one of the prime draws of hundreds of thousands of bikers is to see and be seen partially nude. These are mostly good Christian people but some of the best Christians I know I’ve seen nude, so… I was impressed by the sheer exhibitionism without needing to look like a model. It was common to see ladies in their Golden Years, and certainly not lithe, hanging around a bar with bare breasts that hung like cantaloupes in mesh tubes and donning leather pants that’s waist line was virtually hidden by a muffin top of epic proportions. Ladies with gently tussled conservative haircuts who might have been in their 60s were wearing leather bras and shorts. Now, if you see photos of Nancy on the Internet just remember that we all got carried away with the experience just like good ethnographers should. In fact at one point in a place called “titty alley” – a mini Mardi Gras of sorts – I think I may have gotten carried away and almost blew my cover with one of my now infamous yells. Nancy had to stop me and distract a mob (I think you know how). Thanks Nancy, you’re a real sport.
I know this is just a memo dear VIPWADs so I won’t go on much longer. Let me try to sum up what I think bikers want to hear in some bullet points in relation to what we Democrats like.
Free Market – anything with that golden word is just gold and it’s gold to Americans and therefore gold to us Democrats. But against conventional wisdom I think it’s best in this circumstance to say that freedom is goddamn free. Yeahh.
Breasts—I’m so sorry to go here again but it’s the glue that brings the crew of bikers together and it doesn’t seem to disappoint no matter what the shape, weight, etc. etc. This goes for men in good shape showing “prison tits” too, something we heard a few times. Europeans wouldn’t understand this and that can only be to our advantage.
No Helmets – I just can’t stress this enough; people wearing helmets are viewed as poofters at best and potential terrorists at worst. Any mandatory helmet law should be banned in any state and we should make this clear to bikers (by the way, encourage your sons and daughters to go into neurology – it’s a growth part of medicine). Also, hair blowing in the wind is a fine visual; you can almost picture what John Edwards’ beautiful mane might look like.
Freedom – Like breasts, this is what I must mention again. Look, we can have black helicopters hovering over a rally and as long as they say “freedom” on the side in big white letters. Then it’s all good.
Eagles – While I think of it put an eagle next to “freedom” on those copters. They loooooove eagles. I mean even more than just because it’s the national bird. It’s those talons, they turn them on. Just like they turn us on. Also it’s part of the Harley symbol which brings me to:
Harley Davidson – If a company could be a god this would be it to this group of bikers. At Sturgis, 99.5% of the bikes were Harleys and it’s not like these are high performance machines. They’re loud, proud workhorses that sputter away and you’ve got to fix them all the time. In this way, they embody the scrappiness of the American people. And they’re made in America (or at least that what these bikers think – actually more than 50% of the parts are made all over the world).
Looking Tough – How did we lose the tough guy thing? How did a fellow Yalie like Georgie Boy come to enjoy that when the Democrats used to have the cliché of tough behind us – the Irish union dockworker or whatever. Let’s stock up on beefy bald guys with tattoos and beards. This is not hard these days, they can even be Bears from the West Village. And tattoos? Really, these days even Hillary has a tattoo (oops, sorry Bill).
Being white – This is self-explanatory and they like it like that it. I know we ride that that but when it comes to such an important election, well…
Law and order – This is self-explanatory as well but only when it’s not about them. Like I stressed before, it’s about the freedom but when pressed – except for a few rat bikers – it’s also about believing in law and order. It’s about keeping order on others so we can all be free. Do ya get me? As Rudy Giuliani once said, “freedom is about authority.” Boy, don’t you wish Rudy was with us? Or at least McCain, then we could have those biker vets behind us (nice going again John Jackass Kerry).
Conclusion – We can nail the Biker Vote folks. I can feel it, because, really, most of them are just like you and me. Rich, white professionals that vote and love freedom. So get on that Chopper of the mind VIPWADs and ride to freedom this election season, baby. Yeaaahhhh!
WILLIAMS COLE:
Straight Pipes on the American Psyche
By Williams Cole
MEMO
From: Howard Dean, DNC Chairman
To: Very Important People Who Are Democrats (VIPWADs)
RE: The Biker Vote
Dear fellow VIPWADs-- Now that we can no longer depend on minorities, gays, union members or even hippies and college professors to vote for us, I feel it would behoove us to understand those biker folks who keep the “rubber side down” all over our great nation.
Now you might ask what I mean when I say Bikers. You might have a vision in your mind of the Brando you swooned over as a teenager in The Wild Bunch, or for some of you younger folks of my generation, Peter Fonda in Easy Rider. Yes, biker gangs, outlaws and characters who made you feel sexy and one with the road. No rules! But did you know that these days there are doctors, lawyers, accountants and even politicians that buy big gleaming Harleys, don headbands and chaps and attend events all over our great and free nation?
It’s more than a voting block, it’s a mentality and, I hate to say it but the grizzled tough guy image of the biker is the very epitome of what we are lacking especially as the right wing makes fun of us as brie eating, white wine drinking New York Times readers. (And, yes, before you ask, you can be a tough guy who likes French cheese, refreshing wines and international news stories). But the Biker could be our savior. They are a center right group of upper middle classers that is ripe for us.
I mean, we have plenty of tough guys in our ranks. Was it really the best we could do with a Hog when Sad John Kerry rode a borrowed Harley on to the Jay Leno show during the last election season? The last thing we need is another Dukakis-tank moment and I think that was close. (By the way, Long Face insulted me on that appearance – good going buddy, you did a great job and I hope I never see you again).
Well fellow VIPWADs, in order to try and figure out this important voting group, some of us went undercover trip in August to America’s largest biker rally in Sturgis, South Dakota. The Team included me, House Leader Nancy Pelosi and any DNC staffers or Interns that had beard growth and/or were willing to flash their breasts.
The Team had our bikes transported to Rapid City, South Dakota where I got a refresher course on riding the Harley (I did used to ride back in my East Hampton, Long Island youth, in fact with a gang even, “the Basstards” and we spelled it with an extra “s” like the fish). We made sure not to let many others see us unloading the bikes. This, as it turns out, is looked upon as rather lame - “Trailering your bike is a disease” we heard at one point. Therefore we all went behind the hotel to gear up. The look is very important and so some of the interns had gone on ebay to find Sturgis rally t-shirts from years past. We also put on the requisite jeans and over them leather chaps, made to look authentic by a clever intern with an electric grinder (by the way, for those of you that live in San Francisco and New York, chaps are actually worn by people that at least are not open about being gay). I also put on a confederate flag bandana. I know I got into trouble back in ’04 for suggesting that we should be reaching out to “white folks in the South who drive pickup trucks with Confederate flag decals on the back” but who was right, ay? If we can get some of these bikers with their Dixie flags (and even Confederate flag cell phones – really, I saw a few and they were kind of cool) then we’ll be on our way.
Of course, to be part of this culture we had to, let’s say, temporarily renegotiate our democratically progressive relation between the sexes. In other words, in biker parlance, Nancy Pelosi had to “ride bitch” on the back of my bike and I had to insist that she bring along hot pants to wear under her chaps as well as a zippered top. I’m sorry Hillary, I’m sorry NOW, I’m so sorry but if it makes you feel better I did have a number of ladies ask to see my testicles.
The ride up there was a bit shaky but we made it. Turns out Sturgis town is now really a bunch of vendors selling everything from boots to hats and everything in between with the word Sturgis on it. You could taste the free enterprise and that’s the way bikers – and the Democratic Party - likes it. But just as in our party (or at least with me when it came to the Iraq War) there are dissenters. In an adjacent town to Sturgis a big Texan named the Desman had his custom bike mobile shop set up. He said that while he was all about the free market in Sturgis they were a bunch of thieves and carneys who were ripping off the vendor and the bikers as well. The Desman had some serious choppers but one caught my attention and my envy. Yes, folks, it was just as I had feared: there was a Bush bike. This guy loved the GOP so much that he built a custom Chopper (“a chopper because it’s about being in your face” he said) with the RNC logo built into the engine and a seat made out of elephant hide. On the gas tank was imprinted the first lines of the Declaration of Independence and under that were the signatures of GW Bush, his wife, Arnold and a host of others. He said that he had worked to put the cool into the GOP. I felt we bonded and I asked if I could sit on the Bush Bike. Unfortunately, a hailstorm began then – it’s common in South Dakota. “Sorry buddy, it’s God’s country,” The Desman said.
Well, God’s Country it may be but during this week this subset of the Heartland not only drinks a lot of beer but wants to see and exhibit nudity. Actually, with some reflection, one could make the judgment that one of the prime draws of hundreds of thousands of bikers is to see and be seen partially nude. These are mostly good Christian people but some of the best Christians I know I’ve seen nude, so… I was impressed by the sheer exhibitionism without needing to look like a model. It was common to see ladies in their Golden Years, and certainly not lithe, hanging around a bar with bare breasts that hung like cantaloupes in mesh tubes and donning leather pants that’s waist line was virtually hidden by a muffin top of epic proportions. Ladies with gently tussled conservative haircuts who might have been in their 60s were wearing leather bras and shorts. Now, if you see photos of Nancy on the Internet just remember that we all got carried away with the experience just like good ethnographers should. In fact at one point in a place called “titty alley” – a mini Mardi Gras of sorts – I think I may have gotten carried away and almost blew my cover with one of my now infamous yells. Nancy had to stop me and distract a mob (I think you know how). Thanks Nancy, you’re a real sport.
I know this is just a memo dear VIPWADs so I won’t go on much longer. Let me try to sum up what I think bikers want to hear in some bullet points in relation to what we Democrats like.
Free Market – anything with that golden word is just gold and it’s gold to Americans and therefore gold to us Democrats. But against conventional wisdom I think it’s best in this circumstance to say that freedom is goddamn free. Yeahh.
Breasts—I’m so sorry to go here again but it’s the glue that brings the crew of bikers together and it doesn’t seem to disappoint no matter what the shape, weight, etc. etc. This goes for men in good shape showing “prison tits” too, something we heard a few times. Europeans wouldn’t understand this and that can only be to our advantage.
No Helmets – I just can’t stress this enough; people wearing helmets are viewed as poofters at best and potential terrorists at worst. Any mandatory helmet law should be banned in any state and we should make this clear to bikers (by the way, encourage your sons and daughters to go into neurology – it’s a growth part of medicine). Also, hair blowing in the wind is a fine visual; you can almost picture what John Edwards’ beautiful mane might look like.
Freedom – Like breasts, this is what I must mention again. Look, we can have black helicopters hovering over a rally and as long as they say “freedom” on the side in big white letters. Then it’s all good.
Eagles – While I think of it put an eagle next to “freedom” on those copters. They loooooove eagles. I mean even more than just because it’s the national bird. It’s those talons, they turn them on. Just like they turn us on. Also it’s part of the Harley symbol which brings me to:
Harley Davidson – If a company could be a god this would be it to this group of bikers. At Sturgis, 99.5% of the bikes were Harleys and it’s not like these are high performance machines. They’re loud, proud workhorses that sputter away and you’ve got to fix them all the time. In this way, they embody the scrappiness of the American people. And they’re made in America (or at least that what these bikers think – actually more than 50% of the parts are made all over the world).
Looking Tough – How did we lose the tough guy thing? How did a fellow Yalie like Georgie Boy come to enjoy that when the Democrats used to have the cliché of tough behind us – the Irish union dockworker or whatever. Let’s stock up on beefy bald guys with tattoos and beards. This is not hard these days, they can even be Bears from the West Village. And tattoos? Really, these days even Hillary has a tattoo (oops, sorry Bill).
Being white – This is self-explanatory and they like it like that it. I know we ride that that but when it comes to such an important election, well…
Law and order – This is self-explanatory as well but only when it’s not about them. Like I stressed before, it’s about the freedom but when pressed – except for a few rat bikers – it’s also about believing in law and order. It’s about keeping order on others so we can all be free. Do ya get me? As Rudy Giuliani once said, “freedom is about authority.” Boy, don’t you wish Rudy was with us? Or at least McCain, then we could have those biker vets behind us (nice going again John Jackass Kerry).
Conclusion – We can nail the Biker Vote folks. I can feel it, because, really, most of them are just like you and me. Rich, white professionals that vote and love freedom. So get on that Chopper of the mind VIPWADs and ride to freedom this election season, baby. Yeaaahhhh!
posted by Mark W. Read at 4:03 PM
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